She can’t trust me to know what she likes because she has never really shared any of her true self with me. At least not in recent memory. She has hidden away in anger and hatefulness for so long, no one can see anything else.
For a while, I struggled with the true view and value the closest or more constant people in my life have and project of me. Then I decided I am going to live my life out loud. I am no longer going to shield my thoughts, hopes and ambitions for my future and my life.
It is only when we are confronted with loss that we truly appreciate what we’ve gained. Granddaddy closed his eyes at the end of a December and we bid our collective farewell at the beginning of January. It’s a different take on new beginnings. Beginning the year with a burial. Beginning with death and a seed. Beginning with the celebration of a well-lived life.
To my surprise the desire to return isn’t enough. Even with the best intentions to get up and go, I’ve been getting distracted. There’s always something to do. Or more rest to take. However, suddenly, over the last three weeks, there’s been and urgency to get to the church building. To be present during the songs and the sermons. To open myself up again. To return. To remember. To be enveloped by the healing songs of praise reverberating off the walls and ceiling of the sanctuary. To sing my hallelujahs and participate earnestly in corporate prayer. {Click link to read full post.}
I had to sit back and think about how so many people have been comfortable treating me so cavalierly and then setting me aside. The answer I came to: I forgave when they asked and forgot their transgressions without requiring anything from them. No expression of repentance, no sincere/specific apology and no attempt to make amends. I was always giving of myself and going home empty.
Now, I’m asking for something in my relationships. I want to be wooed. I want to know you’re not just after a comfortable foot stool or a quiet ear. I need to know you’re interested in contributing to and sustaining a relationship with me. I need to know I’m not in it alone.
LaShawnda Jones moved from Milwaukee, WI to New York City to find herself. She found God instead. Follow her journey… from bondage to liberation; from clan membership to womanhood; from ignorance to obedience to the will of God.
Life Cycle
Out of the night of winter
Into the light of spring
Blossoming with so much greater
Life in summer
Even autumn offers hope
Cycling, cycling
Growing, growing
Through it all
Becoming
Miles Morales: When will I know I’m ready? Peter B. Parker: You won’t. It’s a leap of faith. Thats all it is, Miles. It’s a leap of faith. Later…. Peter B. Parker: How do I know I won’t screw up again? Myles Morales: You don’t. It’s… Peter B. Parker: I know… a leap of faith. […]
Do this in remembrance of me. It’s psychological warfare physical murder spiritual bondage. Our sanity means nothing to the intentionally persistent assassins of our humanity. Our humanness has no value in the confrontation of violent entitlement& and moral disregard that assumes murder of “others” is the white person’s right – a privilege awarded to […]
