Reflection, self-evaluation and goal-setting have long been part of my year-end process. What’s new is showing myself some TLC while allowing myself time and space to process my life.
When my dad died, I realized that I had been subconsciously waiting for him to want a relationship with me. With my hope turned on low, I still hoped he would one day reach out to me in response to all my pass efforts… but he refused to send word to me, to request my presence, to offer reconciliation. That saddened me, but I realized he preferred to go to his grave before reconciling our relationship. Building a relationship was of no interest to him. And I’m okay with his preference. Understanding that about him put my interactions with men in a whole new light. My intolerance, my harshness. My hope, my repeated efforts. My exhaustion and frustration. My desire to build a relationship and lack of understanding of how to go about it. My ineffective communication and my inability to get what I want – a husband and family of my own.