Yes, these thoughts were swirling around disjointedly in my head while I was trying on dresses and listening to my shopping buddy squeal in delight at her royal finds. And yes, I do admit to an initial twinge of feminine jealousy. I want to look like a royal too. I want my majestic and regal bearing to show through whatever I wear. And I wasn’t seeing that in the selections I tried on… until the very last dress. The most plain and unadorned dress. It was colorless and very, very simple compared to the other nine indulgent, scrumptiously succulent creations I had dragged into the dressing room. Yes, the part of me that is all worldly woman wanted grandeur. But with all my heart, I thank God for simplicity.
Being celibate has made me more aware of the “little” sins – the small offenses that can pollute a relationship. I am generally very quick to accept correction (or correct myself) and offer my apologies and reparations. I’ve grown to love honesty: the art of naked conversation. When you’re not trying to impress people with your sexual prowess, you feel incredibly free to speak your mind about who you are and where you are in life. Patience has become a great virtue of mine – I used to pray for patience; it is now firmly scratched off my “I Need” list. Seriously, when you’ve waited over a decade for anything, it takes a while to get riled up about much of anything.Compromising my principles is not an option.
So, if only doing the “right thing” and “saying the right thing” don’t add up to right living, what does?
Right thinking leads to right living. It’s very important that you get your mind right. What state is your mind in?
Rebuilding trust is a process that begins with a word and is followed by action – doing what you said you would do….. I want all the breaches of trust to heal in my relationships, I do, but I can only do my part. I can only live up to my word. I can’t live up to the other party’s word, silent expectations, or defend myself against their unfair judgments.
How you handle this life is a reflection of how you will handle the eternal life to come. If you are beaten, tormented, frightened, and lost, then your hope is not in Christ. You are not accepting the gift of salvation that God provided for you. You are allowing the enemy a victory he has no right to. There is no addiction that your will cannot overcome. It may take time, it may take a few or many setbacks, you may have to do it without family and friends who have long since given up, but you can overcome anything through Christ.
As much as I’ve tried to insert myself into their family units, I’ve been reminded by their repeated rejections that I don’t belong. I am not one of them. Despite the closeness and history of our connection, I will always be an outsider to any family unit other than my own. That may sound like a harsh statement, and believe me, it was a painful reality to come to – in fact, it has taken several such disappointing situations for me to recognize the truth of it. No amount of filling my time and space with company is going to satisfy my desire to have my own mate – my match, my companion.
It is important to know that yes, as individuals, we need to be grateful, but as servants we need to be humble. A humble servant is lowly in self-estimation. There is no pride or ego that needs the flattery of gratitude. Humbleness is modesty, but it’s not weakness. A great deal of strength is required to completely set your self aside in service to another.
“And does the master thank the servant for doing what he was told to do? Of course not. In the same way, when you obey me you should say, ‘We are unworthy servants who have simply done our duty.’” So says Jesus.
I’ve come to realize that no man can live up the ideal husband that’s been given to me as a vision… as a heart longing. No man living in the flesh can be all that God calls him to become.
When you dedicate yourself – your life – to God, when you submit to the guidance of the Holy Spirit and lean on the teachings of Jesus Christ everything you do is imbued with His essence. Everything. You don’t have to draw attention to yourself, however people will be drawn to you – not because of who you are but because of whose you are