“Let your heart retain my words; keep my commands, and live. Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will preserve you; Love her, and she will keep you. Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding.” ~ Proverbs 4:4-7 KJV
The last few months have been emotionally difficult for me – for a number of reasons. As with all low points for God’s elect, Satan struggled for a toe-hold in his effort to keep me down. I thank God for His strength and discernment, for His guidance and teachings and most especially for the great measure of faith He has graced me with. Even with Satan circling me, trying to block my Light source, I was never in total darkness and was well able to see my way clear of his schemes. But the tests were needed. And they are greatly appreciated! I’ve emerged with a perspective and insight greater than ever before. My mirror is a little less foggy. My purpose is a bit clearer. And I realize the well of my hope is deeper than I knew. Indeed, hope does spring eternal!
In the last few months I’ve changed church homes (the separation from my first church was more difficult than I expected) and my dad died (I was less affected than I would have imagined). In both instances, I’ve been able to see the changes the Life of Christ and the Love of God has wrought on me, in my thoughts, my heart and my life. I understand more than ever that my relationship with God is the only thing in life that truly matters. And it is only through this primary relationship that all I can possibly desire will be added to me. That knowledge is humbling, yet so very empowering!
My friendships have pretty much gone up in smoke over the last few years. One by one, the women I used to call to talk through my problems and minor issues with have been removed from my life. Having no one to talk to over the last year – “talk to” as in, digging down to the minutest detail, exposing, exploring and pulling up roots – has been the most difficult part of my loneliness. I’m used to not having a life partner; not so used to not having a friend. The absence of those supportive friendships highlighted a deeper desire in me for a supportive mate.
For a number of years, I was emotionally “stuck” on the” ideal” person for me. In my imagination, he was a perfect match. He has a visible walk with the Lord and great conversation. We are both creative, independent, entrepreneurial, adventurous, and we both have a heart for people. The one glaring difference that I’ve finally been able to see is: I had a heart for him, but he didn’t have a heart for me.
When my dad died, I realized that I had been subconsciously waiting for him to want a relationship with me. With my hope turned on low, I still hoped he would one day reach out to me in response to all my pass efforts. He had the desire to rally his mother and siblings around his death bed, even his illegitimate son whom he didn’t raise, but he refused to send word to me, to request my presence, to offer reconciliation. That saddened me, but I realized he preferred to go to his grave before reconciling our relationship. Building a relationship was of no interest to him. And I’m okay with his preference. Understanding that about him put my interactions with men in a whole new light. My intolerance, my harshness. My hope, my repeated efforts. My exhaustion and frustration. My desire to build a relationship and lack of understanding of how to go about it. My ineffective communication and my inability to get what I want – a husband and family of my own.
I can see the parallels in the wished-for, but non-existent relationships.
Seeking and accepting help
The stress of it all overwhelmed me. Over the holidays I sought time with both a therapist and a spiritual counselor. The conversations that followed, has had me thinking from yet new perspectives.
I met with the therapist first and she suggested I hadn’t truly healed from the damage my dad did to me early in life. I told her that I had indeed healed. That through my friendships and my faith I had worked through all the main and related issues related to his abuse.
I walked out of her office asking God if I had missed something. If there was some remnant of fear or pain holding me back in life? I immediately followed that question with the pronouncement: I am healed in the name of Jesus! Absolutely! Completely!
The next day I met with the spiritual counselor and mentioned this portion of my conversation. I asked him if I had missed something. If I believe the Word and the Word says I am healed and I have worked on my recovery, am I not then completely healed?
He said something rather profound to me that has been rattling around my mind and spirit since: “You are completely healed to the best of your understanding.”
Pause and think about that….
Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:12
My whole life is a dedication to the quest to understand. To learn. To acquire knowledge. To experience and share love and compassion. I know my understanding isn’t complete, nor will it ever be in this life. But I hadn’t looked at my evolution as being limited by my understanding.
So, I am healed to the best of my understanding.
I love and am loved to the best of my understanding.
I repent and accept repentance to the best of my understanding.
I forgive and am forgiven to the best of my understanding.
I give and receive to the best of my understanding.
I need and want to the best of my understanding.
I am faithful to the best of my understanding.
I live to the best of my understanding.
I evolve to the best of my understanding.
This tells me there are other levels, other dimensions and consciousness that need attention in each area of my life.
Embracing the next phase of life
My primary project for this year is finding and securing a life partner – to the best of my ability and understanding. I’m going about achieving this goal in the same way I operate in all other areas of my life (including problem-solving or project planning):
- Write down my needs and desires
- Calculate costs and requirements to achieve each (this includes things I’m willing to compromise on)
- Prioritize by either importance or ease of achievability
- Organize a team and pool resources
- Outline my needs and end-goal to my team
- Manage the project with follow-up and progress reports
Attempting to be any less analytical or pragmatic does me no good. That’s the way I think. It’s the way I process and understand. It’s the way I take action. With every goal I have had in life, God has worked through others to help me achieve them. It hit me last month that I wasn’t doing what I know to do in my desire to evolve from a single woman to a married woman. I was being far too passive. Passivity caused me to be inactive (for far too long) rather than proactive. I wasn’t working with others on my goal, so God wasn’t working through others to help me achieve it.
Now that I’ve visualized and verbalized my goal, achievement is only a matter of time. That’s the process through which God has always worked in my life. So I call it done, in the name of the Lord – to the best of my understanding and more reliably, to the best of God’s ability!
Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim His greatness. Let the whole world know what He has done. Sing to Him; yes, sing His praises. Tell everyone about His wonderful deeds. Exult in His holy name; rejoice, you who worship the Lord. Search for the Lord and for His strength; continually seek Him. Remember the wonders He has performed, His miracles, and the rulings He has given, you children of His servant Abraham, you descendants of Jacob, His chosen ones. He is the Lord our God. His justice is seen throughout the land. He always stands by His covenant — the commitment he made to a thousand generations. ~ Psalm 105:1-8 NLT
Parting thought: Relationship is everything. Without it, even love does you no good.